Due to a mystery illness in the camp, England have been allowed to draft in a new player. There has been no official news regarding the illness but unconfirmed rumours suggest that various players are turning invisible. If this turns out to be true then it is believed that this phenomenon started just over two weeks ago, with Harry Kane the alleged first victim. The world’s utmost expert on invisibility, one Professor Harold Potter, is thought to have been consulted but at the moment all is covered in a cloak of secrecy.

The new player drafted in is a complete unknown. The manager has gone for someone who can rain shots in on the Germans tomorrow. All we know is his name. Tommy Gunn. No current pundit has ever heard of this player but one retired commentator  believes that he holds two records; one for the most shots ever over a ninety minute period and one for the hardest strike – they are like bullets, says our source.

Five knockout games down and three to go- well almost. We are in extra time for Croatia v Spain. It is worth noting that if Croatia win then the two teams that finished below us in Group D will be through. Will we be with them or Scotland?

Matches have improved a bit since the first two tepid rounds of the group stages. Still it looks like Owen Goal has the golden boot sewn up with a current total of nine.

Roll on tomorrow then. Don’t think of 1990! Don’t think of 1996! Don’t worry! We only lose to the Germans in tournaments when it is an even number year.

They think it’s all over! This time tomorrow it might well be.