Football? A funny old game!

“And welcome to the inaugural match of the new Deluxe Paints Primership. My name is John Dotson and this is football but not as we know it.”

“How do you mean, John?”

“That viewers, is one of my co-commentators for today, Andrea Grey. And as she well knows this is a new league set up by the richest man in the world, Mustafa Zillions. Not content with just owning a football team like most billionaires, he has created his own league.”

“And what can we expect from this new league, Dotty?”

“My other co-commentator, ladies and gentlemen, Don Atkins. Well, for all those of you who don’t know, and I would think that very few in view of the wall to wall advertisements on Skye-Hi TV, this is a mixed veterans league. Yes, you heard it here. Men and women playing in the same team. Men over 35 and women over 30.”

“That’s what you call shaking the game up!”

“It certainly is Don. But there are some other changes to the rules that I won’t go into now. It may be more interesting for the viewers if we explain these as and when they crop up.”

“Precisely, John. That will get things buzzing. But would you call the fans at home viewers or readers? Are they viewing this or reading it. I would think the latter.”

“Well Andrea, that can be a point for discussion at another time. The players are out warming up and we just need to nip back to the studio. Gary?”

“Thanks John,” said Gary Goalgetter, as he turned to his guests in the studio, Alun Handsome and Lark Morrison. “Well, Alun. Here it is. What do you think of this new Vets League?”

“Well, Gary, I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. You can’t win anything with vets. I think it’s a bad idea.”

“Lark? How do you sing on this one?”

“We will have to wait and see I think, Gary. With the diet and fitness regimes now players can go on for a lot longer, especially if they are not running all over the place after young whippersnappers.”

“And Alun, what do you think of the teams then?”

“It’s impossible to say at this point. The rule about not letting any ex professional players in means that we have nothing to go on.”

“Yeah! What’s that all about anyway?”

“Well, we’ll just have to wait and see gentlemen. It’s back to the stadium now for the teams and then hopefully some action. John?”

“Thanks Gary. Well, we do have the teams for you. For Manchester Unity, in goal is Petra Schmichael-Owen, then the back four is Willie Donkey on the left, centre backs Vinny Corporation and Steve Spruce, and on the right Gabriella Hinesbean. In the middle of the park we have Peter Weed and Carol Sikorsky. On the left wing is Bryan Riggs and on the right Waynetta Gooney. The two strikers are Erica King-Cantango and Dwayne Gooney. And, yes, before you ask Waynetta and Dwayne are related. Twins in fact.”

“Everpool have Sheila Bubblebath in goal. Back four of Barry Tablet, Falon Anson, Dave Wattsup and Phillipa Wheel. Midfield is Steve Roadworks, Graeme Sourness, Sammi Leeway and Wanda Slimper. Up front Lynn Acre and Penny Dogleash.”

“What about substitutes, John? I believe that there is something unusual there?”

“Definitely right there, Andrea.. It is roll on roll off substitutes, similar to any Saturday or Sunday amateur vets football. You can use as many as you like and the same player can go back on after being taken off. This means, of course, that the whole non starting squad can be on the bench.”

“Must be one hell of a bench, Dotty!”

“You can be the judge of that, Don. On the Manchester bench in alphabetical order we have; Serge Aggro, Greville Breville, Mick Cannon, Jo Cardigan, Leigh Carp, Roberta Charleston, Carlo Cerveza, Stevie Doppleganger, Denise Flaw, Oleg Gunner-Sergeant, Alex Hackney, Mary Hailey, Ryan Hobson, Alan Ki, Louise Macaroni, Frances Pea, Rod Van Pistolboy, Rodney Quagmire, Colin Ringer, Miles Sequin, Brian Skidd, Marie-Ann Spaceship, Denny Stewart, Mike Winterski and last but not least, so I am led to believe, Georgie Zest.”

“Everpool have on their bench: Joan Barnstorm, Pietro Beagle, Graeme Blunt, Jimney Caseworker, Kevin Cathill, Toni Cutie, Geri Evens, David Faircrack, Marie-Anne Fellover, Andy Fray, Peter Goatee, Rachel Hankie, Felicity Jagdriver, Kate Kennedy, Bob Matchball, Stevie McBarn, Timothy Molehill, Pat Never, Clementine Raymond, Jo Regal, Jamie Rucsack, Kevin Greedy, Neville Southpole, Hope Towel and John Walkover.

“The referee for today’s prestige game is Mark Battenberg ably assisted by his assistants; Shawna Classy and Linda Looselace.”

“Wow. That’s a lot of names to remember, John.”

“Luckily, I have them written down, Andrea. Hopefully, there will only be 22 players on the pitch at any one time.”

“Obviously nothing of these players is known to the public. What can you tell us, John/”

“Not much I’m afraid, Andrea. For Manchester all I can tell you is that Riggs is their lethal weapon and Sikorsky is known as “Chopper” for her tackling. Schmichael -Owen can either play in goal or as a striker. Oh, and a couple of strange facts. Hinesbean wears number fifty seven even though there is only 36 in the squad and Alan Ki on the bench is known as Clive. By the way, Georgie Zest would be playing today but I understand is just back from injury. As for Everpool Lynn Acre and Dogleash are the ones to watch out for.”

“Dotty, I’ve been looking down the list and if I’m right all the keepers other than one are female. Why is that do you think.”

“I’m not certain, Don, but I guess it’s because the ladies are more likely to keep clean sheets. By, the way Don, I understand that your son is on the management of the Manchester team?”

“Yes, that’s right, Dotty. Assistant manager.”

“Well, we’ll certainly keep an eye out for him. I hope I’m not talking out of turn but I hear that he has a bit of a temper on him.”

“Don’t know where he gets it from, I’m sure. By the way, are Manchester Unity allowed to put a Ringer on the bench?”

“Apparently so. Anyway, readers slash viewers, it is nearly time for kick-off. The inaugural match in the Primership and it’s coming up next. Live! In about a week or so after we have had a number of  hours worth of words from our sponsors.”


Tune in next time for whistle stop action.

 (If you can’t wait you need to download one of my books to be going on with. See previous entries.)