“Football? It’s a funny old game!” Who first coined that expression? In my mind this statement is synonymous with Jimmy Greaves back when I was a kid watching ‘Saint and Greavsie’. It’s not a funny old game anymore. It’s a bloody frustrating game.
I am not just saying this on the back of two 0 – 0 draws by my team, although that has been the catalyst for this post. I have said before I like Ole but Ferguson would not only have had the hairdryer on full blast these past few weeks, he would have been throwing it at the players. There was no fight or will to win or determination to stop Manchester Shitty running away with it. These results are more galling than losing 3-1 to Palace and 6-1 to Spurs, both at home. That is five goalless draws this season. The two against Liverpool and City were the worst because with more belief we could have gone out and won those games. You walk onto a football pitch to win not to not lose.
I am just fed up with the whole game though. The cheating. The microscopic offside. The predominantly backwards and sideways passing. The timewasting.
Football is supposed to be an easy game. The aim? Put the ball in the opponent’s net. That to coin a phrase, is the goal, not to keep what you have by not conceding. That is why I have come up with my ten new rules to put the goals back in the game.
- The whole reason for the 3 points for a win replacing 2 points was to make it more worthwhile to win than to draw. It worked at first but not now where teams find it acceptable just to get a point. You should have to earn points not have them before the game starts. Therefore, the first new rule is there are no points for a no score draw. You have nothing when you step out of the dressing room and you have to score to earn something.
- Using the pre-season friendly gambit, one extra point for each goal scored. That should be an incentive.
- Some seasons ago – but still in the Premier League era – there was the clear space rule. There had to be clear space between the attacker and defender before there was offside. This rule is to come back in. The current VAR millimetric precision is unfair to strikers who cannot work to this with the naked eye. It is like being asked to keep to the speed limit with no speedometer.
- The handball rule to go back to deliberate handball i.e. hand to ball which can still apply to making oneself bigger to block a shot but would cut out a player blasting a ball at an opponent to get a handball decision.
- Now for the time wasting! Taking the ball to the corner flag will be deliberate obstruction. Yellow card and free kick to the opposition.
- The goalkeeper taking an easy catch and dropping to the floor to lay there for 10 seconds is an immediate yellow card.
- Every circumstance of Rule 5 or 6 adds two minutes extra time to the clock.
- Now for the cheating! None of this “Take one for the team”, “He should have taken him out” or “That was a good foul”. Again some seasons ago, a professional foul was a straight red and that is to come back. (As a corollary, any pundit advocating such action should be axed from their jobs. Children should not be shown bad examples.)
- Putting an arm around a player in the penalty area, or pulling him back or pulling a shirt, even before a ball is kicked will be a penalty. This was supposed to be a rule a couple of seasons ago but that has gone by the wayside again until now.
- Feigning injury is a straight red. It is plain cheating.
So there you have it. That should make football more of a win and less cyn.
In summary then, the ten new rules I will be submitting to F.I.F.A. after the Euros in time for next season:
- No points for a 0 – 0 draw
- 1 point for every goal scored
- Offside to be denoted by clear space between attacker and defender
- Back to the deliberate handball – hand to ball
- Taking ball to the corner flag is deliberate obstruction.
- Goalkeeper dropping to the ground with the ball is a yellow card.
- Every time waste adds on 2 minutes
- Professional foul is a straight red card
- Putting an arm around a player or dragging or holding even before the ball is played is a penalty
- Feigning injury is a straight red
Football? It’s a sunny new game!
Now tongue in cheek this post may be – or is it? – let’s try something. Anyone that agrees with any one of the new rules I have outlined, please buy one of my books in support. All e-books just £1.77. Thank you.